Intimacy Archives - Gay Couple Counselling (UK)

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Sex and Intimacy: Conflicting Concepts in Gay-Male Couples?

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 14:14:31 +0000

Gay Male Couples who Struggle with the concepts of “Sex” versus “Intimacy”.

"Who wants Mangoes?" © robstephaustralia

Through my private therapy practice for gay couples, it has been my experience to learn that a significant number of gay men confuse “relationship intimacy” as being the same as “sexual intercourse”.

These same gay men are surprised to learn that whilst there is an important overlap between intimacy and sex, the two concepts are distinct and have important differences.

A Gay Man’s History of Intimacy effects his behaviour in Couple Relationships.

When a gay couple working in couple counselling bring their sex lives into focus, a therapeutic air of curiosity and interest encourages the revelation of what each partner understands about intimacy, sex and love. When we compare what both partners have learned of these concepts we can begin to see significantly root-sources of the problems the couple are bring into couple therapy.

Some gay men have never seen another two men (gay or otherwise) being intimate (i.e. affectionate) with each other. Some gay men have never seen their own parents show intimate affection towards each another. Such men entering an intimacy couple relationship with another gay man may face crises: how does his lack of understanding about intimacy translate into a live & loving gay couple relationship?

Some gay men negotiate their way from being oblivious about intimacy along with their life-partner. Some gay men don’t make the transition.

Couple relationships containing both kinds of men can be successful when the partners are compatible. Conflicts arise when each partner exhibits contradictory intimacy-behaviour.

So … what is intimacy, really…

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‘Dad & Son’ Gay Male Relationships

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 10:00:54 +0000

"Romantic Sunset" © FillYourHeart

Particular to gay male relationships (I’ve not heard a similar term: “Mum/daughter” in lesbian relationships) the “Dad/Son” or “Father/Son” relationship within some gay male relationships is more common than some folk imagine.

In LGBT culture, a “daddy” is a slang expression referring to someone who is an older man – but with particular accompanying reference to a younger gay male “son” (“boy” or “boi”); this is a sexualised intimate-relationship – specifically acting out emotional & non-sexually intimate aspects of father/son relationships but also often (but not always) including sex as part of the intimacy.

There is an important distinction about dad/son relationships – that the “dad” and “son” are not actually related to each other (i.e. this is not incest) and it’s not necessary for the partners to be of a particularly defined age range other than there is either a distinct age difference (for example, the partners might be 20 & 45 in age, or 40 & 60 in age etc), or that the partners are able to fulfil a type-role (one partner is fatherly, the other is youthful).

Acting out Traditional Parental/Child Roles.

The gay male dad/son couple relationship act out a traditional parental relationship of father & son dynamics with the addition that this is a sexual relationship. The dad/father provides more grounded emotional support than the son/boy has been used to, and the son/boy provides a more light, less serious joy of life than the dad/father has been used to.

This is a kind of symbiotic relationship – both gay males are getting something out of this relationship.

Other sexual stereotypes assumptions about these forms of relationships. For example, the “dad” does not have to be the active or “top” partner during sex; the “son” does not have to be of a submissive personality to the dad.

Reparation/Replacement.

Dad/son relationships can be a healthy form of acting-out that which has been lost (or longed for) in other relationships. The “dad” may have not had the opportunity to parent or mentor someone and finds pleasure in using his experience and learning to pass on helpful knowledge to the “son”. The “son” may not have had very good parenting and lacks the safe containment that a parent should bring to a child, and so enjoys the safety and containment that can be found from the “dad”.

This can be a form of reparation (repairing past experiences with safer, more nurturing current ones) or replacement.

Different physical ages, similar “gay age”.

Because a majority of gay men come-out at some stage (i.e. come to terms with, and reveal more publicly their sexual orientation), this process is seen by some as a form of a personal new birth. One’s “gay age” starts at zero on the anniversary of coming-out.

Whilst dad/son partnerships may be different in physically age: ten, twenty, or more years older, it is interesting to compare their physical and gay ages – sometimes finding similarities as a source of the relationship “match”.

Relationship Conflicts.

Dad/Son relationships can struggle with intimacy-conflicts just like any other relationship. The more successful dad/son gay couples continue to work well by either:-

Recognising the differences between the partners and negotiating ways to keep the differences from effecting the core relationship (eg “son” has younger friends that “dad” does not get on with, or “dad” has mature social interests that bore “son” etc).

-or-

Dismissing differences/turning a blind-eye between the partners and either suppressing them or acting out some of the differences in without the knowledge or their partner.

GayCoupleCounselling.com welcome any form of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationship for counselling. If you and your partner are finding your relationship’s conflicts are difficult to work through by yourselves, invite us to lend a hand.

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Sex Therapy for Gay Couple Relationships

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 19:13:00 +0000

What is gay couple sex therapy for LGBT relationships?

Gay couples in a relationship can experience sexual problems in their partnership just as much as anyone else. Working with an experienced gay couple therapist on sexual & intimacy matters can help the couple relieve their distress, find ways to talk about it and discover new to improve their sex lives and intimacy.

There’s not an awful lot – if any – of sex education in schools about gay or lesbian intimate relationships. Chances are this won’t improve for sometime yet. Is it any wonder that gay men and lesbian woman have to figure out sex lives for themselves – and struggle when their sexual relationships seem incompatible?

At GayCoupleCounselling.com – we’ll give you the tools to help you talk about intimate sex matters in the safety of the therapy session … AND to take into the privacy of your your own home.

GayCoupleCounselling.com helps focus on “secondary” sexual problems.

If we’re talking about sexual dysfunction, then “secondary” dysfunction refers to emotional blocks and difficulties to sex. This is different to primary sexual dysfunction which is about physical causes (eg a prescription from a GP for Viagra may be helpful to a gay man to address a primary sexual dysfunction).

Working with a gay sex therapist, secondary sexual intimate problems can be addressed such as:-

Secondary Impotence (inability to achieve or maintain an erection – an emotional problem).
Premature ejaculation (where training techniques may be helpful).
Uncomfortable or impossible penetration (problems experienced by both gay men and lesbian women).

Inexperience of same-gender sex.
Vaginismus.
Difficulty/inability to orgasm.
Partners have different sex drives
Partners have different concepts about what is “good” sex.

Sexual fantasies not matching up to reality
‘Lesbian bed death’ (long-term emotional intimacy interferes with sexual intimacy)
Body dimorphism (self-worth/self-esteem issues).

… and many more issues.

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