Five Secrets of Happier Gay Couples
Posted by on 6 Sep, 2012 in Gay Relationships | 0 comments
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#5) Couples teach each other to listen, not just hear.
For couples who have ended up making assumptions about what their partner is meaning when we’re listening to their words, rather than checking out their (perhaps mis-)understanding of their partner, one of the more helpful questions I ask in couple counselling is:
“What did you understand your partner meant, just then?”
Partners who are in a distressing relationship can often answer “I don’t know”, or give a quite misleading understanding about what they thought their partner said (when referring back to their partner to ask if the understanding was accurate). This tells something important about the relationship: the partners have stopped hearing.
“If he/she loved me I wouldn’t need to explain” or “if he/she loved me then he/she would understand” can be interestingly revelation of how a partner can believe how an intimate relationships should work. Further curiosity towards such understandings (or fantasies) can reveal further deep constructs: how has the person learned that this is how relationships work, did his parents behave in this way, did he believe that his parents communicated through ‘love’ and nothing else?
Couples who have lost (or never had) good skills in communicating can find themselves in a very painful place – leading to arguments and disappointments galore.
A solution: inviting each partner to learn what the other partner is really saying can be very helpful. Sometimes, even needing to break things down to simple communication such as “you can say anything you like, but only in once sentence (of 30 words of less!) before your partner responds.” If partner A misunderstands partner B’s message, then it can be helpful for partner B to patiently teach partner A what was meant (avoiding any chastisement or criticism, of course).
Teaching a partner what one meant to say – through an act of love, kindness and respect – can bring the couple closer together through such intimate behaviour. And it doesn’t have to take long – this is a temporary exercise which the couple can build upon in their own style.
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