Sex and Intimacy: Conflicting Concepts in Gay-Male Couples?
Posted by on 29 Jul, 2012 in Gay Relationships | 1 comment
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Therapeutic Intervention for Intimacy Issues.
"The Beast with two Fronts" © CarbonNYC
From a systemic approach, breaking the system (or the “cycle”) can be an effective form of treatment for the gay couple.
In this approach, the therapist models the approach by taking on the role of not being an expert in the couple’s relationship behaviour. From this position the therapist has to learn how the relationship works and this is done from a place of interest and curiosity.
This approach of curiosity invites both partners into the process – each of whom will have some common and some different responses to the therapist’s curiosity about what the relationship’s systems are doing.
A kind of “story” is being created that describes the workings of the relationship – and, in this situation, with particular focus on how the relationship manages intimacy.
This process has to actively involves both partners – or else we’re not really working on relationship therapy.
So, we’re talking about:
- The way that the couple create conflict together (the “system”) is carefully learned and understood.
- The triggers that create conflict are recognised – sometimes by slowing down the system to a point where both couples can manage introducing changes.
- Changes are discussed and played with in the safe environment of the therapy room.
- Exercises (“homework”) may be created in the therapy room with the couple’s full involvement.
- Experiments are tried out at home – all successes and non-successes are discussed in counselling with an air of curiosity and interest (no shaming, no accusations of failure) in order to revise and revisit experiments.
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Note – since I wrote this article I’ve received helpful feedback telling me that this behaviour is also experienced (and acted out…) by some lesbian women too.