Sex and Intimacy: Conflicting Concepts in Gay-Male Couples?

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Gay Men’s Fears of Intimacy.

The fear of intimacy is a problem that a significant numner of gay men are managing in gay couple relationships.

Their historic relationship with intimacy has lead them to defensive behaviour: ‘in order to feel safe with you, I must put distance between the intimate part of our relationship’.

From a psychodynamicPsychodynamics is the theory and systematic study of the psychological forces that underlie human behavior, especially the dynamic relations between conscious motivation and unconscious motivation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamics perspective, our pasts can contribute greatly to our developing defences towards intimacy.  I’m not necessarily talking stereotypical Freudian concepts (“he’s gay because of an overly-possessive mother”), but more about trauma that makes our psyche wish to protect ourselves against the traumatic situations; we are a product of our pasts.

A child growing up in a family who are not familiar with demonstrations of intimacy may find it difficult to be in an intimate relationship.  Similarly, a child growing up learning that intimacy is to be avoided may develop defensive mechanisms to automatically keep him protected and away from displays of intimacy.

The gay man who was beaten by his father may – at an unconscious level – associate intimacy with physical violence. The gay man who was brought up in a caring but emotionally-distant family may – at an unconscious level – associate intimacy with being distant.

Our historic situations contribute to difficulties in a close couple relationship because the joining of our ‘baggage’ will trigger off our ‘must protect myself from danger’ defensive behaviours … automatically … mostly without our conscious knowledge … and with our partner wondering ‘what the fuck is happening here??’

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