Shared Anxieties – Unconscious Collusion in Gay Relationships

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 14:16:43 +0000

Could Misery have a Purpose in Gay Couple Relationships?

"Waiting for the Judges" © AllSpice1

Like all couples, gay couples can make each other’s lives miserable.

But could there be a purpose (perhaps an unconscious purpose) to this?

Let’s talk psychodynamic hypothesises for a moment:-

Boy meets Boy (or girl meets girl!).
At a conscious level, a conversation takes place: ‘what films do you like?’, ‘do I look good in this shirt?’ , ‘would you like to meet for dinner?’ and so on.
At an unconscious level, another conversation is taking place:

Boy 1: “I’ve had a troubling past involving my family’s disapproval of my sexuality”.

Boy 2: “My father showed me no care nor respect, and I left home at a young age”.

One purpose of this unconscious conversation might be to check out: “Are you someone who could help me repair the wounds that I carry?”.

Unconscious Dialogue.

What I’m talking about is where a couple, as an unconscious level, discover that they have a similar history, and invest hope – still unconsciously – that their relationship will help them both resolve their historical wounds. If all goes well at an early stage, they enter into the beginnings of a significant long-term relationship.

It’s a nice thought – it’s a thought that’s meant to heal past injuries.

Unfortunately, the future holds relationship struggles – the couple argue and act out hurtful behaviour to one another. They end up fearing each other, becoming paranoid and, maybe, separate … or perhaps worse: they continue this behaviour for years of a miserable life.

And – for some people – this unforeseen relationship-misery happens time and time again.

So why does what seems to be a perfectly lovely unconscious discussion end up bringing so much trouble in gay relationships?

Read on for a psychodynamic/systemic revelation you may not have come across before…

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Why Counselling for Gay Relationships?

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 10:46:56 +0000

"Nonie and Ernie" © david_shankbone

Gay men and lesbian women are as capable of managing relationship conflicts as anyone else. Through, many of us are disadvantaged by the way we were brought up in heteronormative, gay-unaware or gay-intolerant families.

It’s stereotypical to think of gay couples as destroying their relationships the moment emotional lives become complicated. ‘No baggage…’, ‘sorted…’, ‘no strings…’ are common phrases seen on gay dating services – and their use are telling of deeper issues than a simple need for an “uncomplicated” relationship.

GayCoupleCounselling.com provides therapy services for the distinct needs of gay & lesbian couples. We’ll resolve disturbing histories, perturb repeatedly unhappy behaviours, improve trust & increase relationship intimacy…

Why choose Couple Counselling for Gay Relationships?

The choice to bring your relationship into counselling can be a courageous one.

Men who struggle to be in partnership with another man.
Women who struggle to be in a partnership with another woman.
Men and women who fall in love with someone who’s sexuality is dissimilar to their own.

Often, LGBT couples begin their relationship with expectations of a partner based upon a heterosexual parental template. WE who have been htought up in a gay family are of the minority, therefore it’s quite right that the only templates of relationships come from heterosexual parents. For the most part, as children many of us have been living as “the enemy within”. Even when we have “come out”, many of our families have had to adjust to embrace us … and if they have had to adjust this suggests they were living a non-gay/heteronormative family life-style to begin with.

What we bring into relationships include:

Baggage from our pasts.
For some – the ingrained message that ‘we are not normal’.
Our relationship-templates learned from our non-gay families.
How our parents resolved (or not ) their relationship conflicts.
Our relationship-templates quietly learning from a heteronormative family.

We work on our relationships to make them successful – and sometimes we need a little help from someone whom we can trust.

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