Shared Anxieties – Unconscious Collusion in Gay Relationships
Posted by on 6 Sep, 2012 in Couple Processes, Gay Relationships | 0 comments
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Couple Relationship Counselling & Shared Anxieties.
When a couple come to me for counselling, one of the things I’m on the look-out for is a shared anxiety: one or more anxieties that both partners hold deeply, keep hidden, and are avoided by an active psychological defence mechanism.
“Shared Unconscious Anxiety” © Dean Richardson
Our defence mechanisms start off as beautifully-intended processes: we unconsciously create defences in order to protect us from repeating trauma. The defences execute automatically and to a point where we don’t need to remember why they’re there: they just act on our behalf, although we may still feel anxiety about something but we’ve forgotten what.
Referring back to my opening paragraph: the unconscious conversation about past problems, part of what can help a couple’s relationship is when one partner’s defence is met with another partner’s defensive-less skills & experience.
Example: partner 1 is afraid of spiders, but Partner 2 has no problems with spiders.
Result = a neat couple fit!
Relationship conflicts occur when both partners have similar defences … but at an unconscious level both partners are mistakenly waiting for the other partner to make a repair on our behalf. In effect, metaphorically we have two people afriad of spiders, each waiting for the other partner to rescue home, but both partners hiding in the corner of the room afraid of the fear.
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