Gay male couple Archives - Gay Couple Counselling (UK)

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Does a Counsellor’s Sexuality Factor in Couple Counselling?

Thu, 06 Sep 2012 10:12:59 +0000

Regarding the Gay Counsellor’s Sexuality: influential, detrimental or neutral?

"Rainbow" © Bensa Kua

Does the sexuality of the counsellor make a difference to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered couples when they all work together in couple relationship therapy?

In this post I will discuss briefly my experiences working as a gay counsellor working with LGBT couple clients in my private therapy practice.

Sexuality Differences – alliance or disunion?

Although differences between the counsellor and the client do not have to come into play during therapy, many clients seek therapists (at least initially) with a view that the therapist has to have some form of understanding or experience of the client’s complaint.

A gay male or lesbian female couple may chose to find a gay male or lesbian female therapist – and although the similarities in the therapist’s & the couples’ sexualities should not matter… it does to the couple.

In other words, as a couple counsellor, I do not have to be female to empathise with a female couple and their situation. Although I cannot know what it is like for them from a personal perspective, it is my my training that I can ask the most effective questions so that I can learn what it is like to be this couple in their situation.

Interestingly, a number of gay and lesbian couples who I have worked with have, in varying degrees, expressed dissatisfaction of their previous relationship therapists – citing that the couple should have found someone of the same sexuality instead.

(Male gay couple) “When we told him [the counsellor] about the difficulties in our sex lives, we noticed him shift in his chair noticeably-uncomfortable. We decided not to work with him due to this reaction.”
(Female lesbian couple) “We didn’t understand how an old, little, grey-haired lady could really understand what was happening to our failing sex lives. She was very pleasant, but still…”
(Gay male couple) “Wanted to talk about use of gay saunas for sex (open relationship) but we were too embarrassed to bring it up with our [female] psychotherapist.”

Whilst I’m less convinced that it was the actual sexuality of the therapist (as opposed to, say, the couple’s projection or their reaction to something they might have misunderstood about the therapist) – we must be mindful that the therapeutic alliance between client and counsellor is one of the most effective relationships in therapy. It is within this therapeutic alliance that the therapy work is done and if there is little or no alliance then the couple must be expected to find someone else.

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Sex and Intimacy: Conflicting Concepts in Gay-Male Couples?

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 14:14:31 +0000

Gay Male Couples who Struggle with the concepts of “Sex” versus “Intimacy”.

"Who wants Mangoes?" © robstephaustralia

Through my private therapy practice for gay couples, it has been my experience to learn that a significant number of gay men confuse “relationship intimacy” as being the same as “sexual intercourse”.

These same gay men are surprised to learn that whilst there is an important overlap between intimacy and sex, the two concepts are distinct and have important differences.

A Gay Man’s History of Intimacy effects his behaviour in Couple Relationships.

When a gay couple working in couple counselling bring their sex lives into focus, a therapeutic air of curiosity and interest encourages the revelation of what each partner understands about intimacy, sex and love. When we compare what both partners have learned of these concepts we can begin to see significantly root-sources of the problems the couple are bring into couple therapy.

Some gay men have never seen another two men (gay or otherwise) being intimate (i.e. affectionate) with each other. Some gay men have never seen their own parents show intimate affection towards each another. Such men entering an intimacy couple relationship with another gay man may face crises: how does his lack of understanding about intimacy translate into a live & loving gay couple relationship?

Some gay men negotiate their way from being oblivious about intimacy along with their life-partner. Some gay men don’t make the transition.

Couple relationships containing both kinds of men can be successful when the partners are compatible. Conflicts arise when each partner exhibits contradictory intimacy-behaviour.

So … what is intimacy, really…

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Couple Therapy with Gay Men

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 17:41:22 +0000

“Couple Therapy with Gay Men”.

Authors: David E. Greenan & Gil Tunnell.

ISBN: 1-57-230-808-7

Very easy to read and written in a friendly, non-technical language. The authors begin by summarising some of gay history (Stonewall etc.) in order to outline how gay male couples have grown to manage their visibility (or lack of) in society and how the partners manage this. Whilst the book is getting on for 10 years now (and some of the comments about marriage, etc., are getting out of date) the therapeutic methodology described (which they describe as “circular” but is also a known as form of systemic family therapy) is still very relevant and practised by GayCoupleCounselling.com therapists.

This was one of the first books we studied regarding therapy and gay men.

View Couple Therapy with Gay Men (Guilford Family Therapy) on Amazon.co.uk

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‘Dad & Son’ Gay Male Relationships

Fri, 08 Jun 2012 10:00:54 +0000

Particular to gay male relationships (I’ve not heard a similar term: “Mum/daughter” in lesbian relationships) the “Dad/Son” or “Father/Son” relationship within some gay male relationships is more common than some folk imagine.

In LGBT culture, a “daddy” is a slang expression referring to someone who is an older man – but with particular accompanying reference to a younger gay male “son” (“boy” or “boi”); this is a sexualised intimate-relationship – specifically acting out emotional & non-sexually intimate aspects of father/son relationships but also often (but not always) including sex as part of the intimacy.

There is an important distinction about dad/son relationships – that the “dad” and “son” are not actually related to each other (i.e. this is not incest) and it’s not necessary for the partners to be of a particularly defined age range other than there is either a distinct age difference (for example, the partners might be 20 & 45 in age, or 40 & 60 in age etc), or that the partners are able to fulfil a type-role (one partner is fatherly, the other is youthful).

Acting out Traditional Parental/Child Roles.

The gay male dad/son couple relationship act out a traditional parental relationship of father & son dynamics with the addition that this is a sexual relationship. The dad/father provides more grounded emotional support than the son/boy has been used to, and the son/boy provides a more light, less serious joy of life than the dad/father has been used to.

This is a kind of symbiotic relationship – both gay males are getting something out of this relationship.

Other sexual stereotypes assumptions about these forms of relationships. For example, the “dad” does not have to be the active or “top” partner during sex; the “son” does not have to be of a submissive personality to the dad.

Reparation/Replacement.

Dad/son relationships can be a healthy form of acting-out that which has been lost (or longed for) in other relationships. The “dad” may have not had the opportunity to parent or mentor someone and finds pleasure in using his experience and learning to pass on helpful knowledge to the “son”. The “son” may not have had very good parenting and lacks the safe containment that a parent should bring to a child, and so enjoys the safety and containment that can be found from the “dad”.

This can be a form of reparation (repairing past experiences with safer, more nurturing current ones) or replacement.

Different physical ages, similar “gay age”.

Because a majority of gay men come-out at some stage (i.e. come to terms with, and reveal more publicly their sexual orientation), this process is seen by some as a form of a personal new birth. One’s “gay age” starts at zero on the anniversary of coming-out.

Whilst dad/son partnerships may be different in physically age: ten, twenty, or more years older, it is interesting to compare their physical and gay ages – sometimes finding similarities as a source of the relationship “match”.

Relationship Conflicts.

Dad/Son relationships can struggle with intimacy-conflicts just like any other relationship. The more successful dad/son gay couples continue to work well by either:-

Recognising the differences between the partners and negotiating ways to keep the differences from effecting the core relationship (eg “son” has younger friends that “dad” does not get on with, or “dad” has mature social interests that bore “son” etc).

-or-

Dismissing differences/turning a blind-eye between the partners and either suppressing them or acting out some of the differences in without the knowledge or their partner.

GayCoupleCounselling.com welcome any form of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationship for counselling. If you and your partner are finding your relationship’s conflicts are difficult to work through by yourselves, invite us to lend a hand.