Shared Anxieties – Unconscious Collusion in Gay Relationships

Posted by on 6 Sep, 2012 in Couple Processes, Gay Relationships | 0 comments

Shared Anxieties – Unconscious Collusion in Gay Relationships

Could Misery have a Purpose in Gay Couple Relationships?

Shared Anxieties – Unconscious Collusion in Gay Relationships
"Waiting for the Judges" © AllSpice1

Like all couples, gay couples can make each other’s lives miserable.

But could there be a purpose (perhaps an unconscious purpose) to this?

Let’s talk psychodynamic hypothesises for a moment:-

  1. Boy meets Boy (or girl meets girl!).
  2. At a conscious level, a conversation takes place: ‘what films do you like?’, ‘do I look good in this shirt?’ , ‘would you like to meet for dinner?’ and so on.
  3. At an unconscious level, another conversation is taking place:

Boy 1: “I’ve had a troubling past involving my family’s disapproval of my sexuality”.
Boy 2: “My father showed me no care nor respect, and I left home at a young age”.

One purpose of this unconscious conversation might be to check out: “Are you someone who could help me repair the wounds that I carry?”.

Unconscious Dialogue.

What I’m talking about is where a couple, as an unconscious level, discover that they have a similar history, and invest hope – still unconsciously – that their relationship will help them both resolve their historical wounds.  If all goes well at an early stage, they enter into the beginnings of a significant long-term relationship.  

It’s a nice thought – it’s a thought that’s meant to heal past injuries.  

Unfortunately, the future holds relationship struggles – the couple argue and act out hurtful behaviour to one another. They end up fearing each other, becoming paranoid and, maybe, separate … or perhaps worse: they continue this behaviour for years of a miserable life.

And – for some people – this unforeseen relationship-misery happens time and time again.

So why does what seems to be a perfectly lovely unconscious discussion end up bringing so much trouble in gay relationships?

Read on for a psychodynamic/systemic revelation you may not have come across before…

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