‘Dad & Son’ Gay Male Relationships

Posted by on 8 Jun, 2012 in Gay Male Couples | 0 comments

‘Dad & Son’ Gay Male Relationships

Particular to gay male relationships (I’ve not heard a similar term: “Mum/daughter” in lesbian relationships) the “Dad/Son” or “Father/Son” relationship within some gay male relationships is more common than some folk imagine.

In LGBT culture, a “daddy” is a slang expression referring to someone who is an older man – but with particular accompanying reference to a younger gay male “son” (“boy” or “boi”); this is a sexualised intimate-relationship – specifically acting out emotional & non-sexually intimate aspects of father/son relationships but also often (but not always) including sex as part of the intimacy.

There is an important distinction about dad/son relationships – that the “dad” and “son” are not actually related to each other (i.e. this is not incest) and it’s not necessary for the partners to be of a particularly defined age range other than there is either a distinct age difference (for example, the partners might be 20 & 45 in age, or 40 & 60 in age etc), or that the partners are able to fulfil a type-role (one partner is fatherly, the other is youthful).

Acting out Traditional Parental/Child Roles.

The gay male dad/son couple relationship act out a traditional parental relationship of father & son dynamics with the addition that this is a sexual relationship.  The dad/father provides more grounded emotional support than the son/boy has been used to, and the son/boy provides a more light, less serious joy of life than the dad/father has been used to.

This is a kind of symbiotic relationship – both gay males are getting something out of this relationship.

Other sexual stereotypes assumptions about these forms of relationships.  For example, the “dad” does not have to be the active or “top” partner during sex; the “son” does not have to be of a submissive personality to the dad.

Reparation/Replacement.

Dad/son relationships can be a healthy form of acting-out that which has been lost (or longed for) in other relationships.  The “dad” may have not had the opportunity to parent or mentor someone and finds pleasure in using his experience and learning to pass on helpful knowledge to the “son”.  The “son” may not have had very good parenting and lacks the safe containment that a parent should bring to a child, and so enjoys the safety and containment that can be found from the “dad”.

This can be a form of reparation (repairing past experiences with safer, more nurturing current ones) or replacement.

Different physical ages, similar “gay age”.

Because a majority of gay men come-outCome/Coming Out - a process whereby a homosexual person makes it known to others (whether a few, or generally publically) about his/her sexuality. The phrase comes from coming out of the closet (American based) in reference to being in the closet which is a phrase to mean that one has been hiding ones sexuality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out
at some stage (i.e. come to terms with, and reveal more publicly their sexual orientation), this process is seen by some as a form of a personal new birth.  One’s “gay age” starts at zero on the anniversary of coming-outCome/Coming Out - a process whereby a homosexual person makes it known to others (whether a few, or generally publically) about his/her sexuality. The phrase comes from coming out of the closet (American based) in reference to being in the closet which is a phrase to mean that one has been hiding ones sexuality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out

Whilst dad/son partnerships may be different in physically age: ten, twenty, or more years older, it is interesting to compare their physical and gay ages – sometimes finding similarities as a source of the relationship “match”.

Relationship Conflicts.

Dad/Son relationships can struggle with intimacy-conflicts just like any other relationship.   The more successful dad/son gay couples continue to work well by either:-

  • Recognising the differences between the partners and negotiating ways to keep the differences from effecting the core relationship (eg “son” has younger friends that “dad” does not get on with, or “dad” has mature social interests that bore “son” etc).

-or-

  • Dismissing differences/turning a blind-eye between the partners and either suppressing them or acting out some of the differences in without the knowledge or their partner.

 

GayCoupleCounselling.com welcome any form of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationship for counselling.  If you and your partner are finding your relationship’s conflicts are difficult to work through by yourselves, invite us to lend a hand.

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