As gay people, many of us had to grow up like cuckoos in the nest … hiding within families in which we would have been seen as the enemy, were we discovered.

In our desperation, we have looked outside of our families for signs that there are other people like us … and many time we have failed.

How is it that we failed?

As more time passes and facts come to light, we begin to learn that our histories were being rewritten by organisations like Hollywood and obfuscated by those who believed it was their duty to hide gay and lesbian people (and those in LGBT relationships) from society.  If we/they couldn’t be seen, then we/they didn’t exist.

No wonder we have struggled to “come out” of an oppressive closet.

Fortunately, nowadays things are becoming brighter … we are not alone. In fact, we never really were. We are coming to re-learn certain facts about our collective forgotten & edited histories through modern courage: the film “J Edgar” shows us that Hoover had had a loving, long-term (probably unconsummated) relationship with Clyde Tolson.  Photographs and stories of James Dean show us that wasn’t just someone with a passing “gay-curiosity”; he was actively engaged sexually with men and embraced his sexuality.  Gay men didn’t just hang about secretly in underground caverns … they showed their love and relationships openly in family-style photographs (as well as being kept discretely in wallets).  

Wait, what? There’s photographic evidence of loving gay relationships??!

It is with great pleasure & pride that Gay Couple Counselling.com recommends our readers look through the website Homo Histories ( http://homohistory.blogspot.co.uk/ ) packed full of vintage photographs of gay and lesbian couples clearly showing their affection for one another.

Reading through this blog, one begins to recognise how our history has been tipp-exed over and re-written.  As we grew up we were fed lies and the truth about the people we were searching for was covered over. 

Reading Homo History gives one a refreshing sense that we existed, we were in healthy, loving and committed relationships, and that we and our loving relationships belong in society as much as any other married couple.

If ever we doubt ourselves again, websites like Homo Histories are there to remind us that we are not along, we love, and that we have always existed.

About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+

Holocaust Memorial Day is today, 27th January, and when media like BBC News report that the day is to remember the “millions of people, mostly Jews” … who were killed in concentration camps, let us also remember the countless numbers of gay and lesbian people who are casually passed over via this “mostly” phrase.

Holocaust Memory Day is a national event in the United Kingdom dedicated to the remembrance of the victims of The Holocaust (cited from Wikipedia).

Yet, in case it’s forgotten that we were part of the “and others” phrase also used the news media today, let us today spare a thought for our LGBT brothers & sisters who were persecuted, tortured, and killed because their sexuality didn’t fit into a dictator’s promoted-view of what constituted an Aryan Race.

Let us be careful not to confuse the past with today, though.  Our current-day brothers and sisters are not those people then who blindly followed rules of execution.

But let us not forget the many deceased gay and lesbian people of the Holocaust who are as much a part of today’s memorial as any other group of people.

Lest we forget.

About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+

It’s not uncommon for gay and lesbian couple relationships to become successful over long distances.

Whether the couple began through meeting online through services like Grindr, Gaydar, Qrushr Girls etc, or began through meeting in person whilst on holiday, gay men and lesbian women can find themselves in love with someone who lives in a different country (or a different town).

And just like all other long-distance relationships, as gay and lesbian people we suffer the struggles to get into the country of our loved one.

But unlike heterosexual couples, our long-distance relationships can struggle to have our relationships and their loved ones recognised by the country to which we wish to emigrate.

Our relationships pose a unique set of conflicts and stresses that can damage our intimate couple relationships.

Counselling for LGBT Long-Distance Relationships.

Why? Well, couples in long-distance relationships can suffer the same struggles and conflicts as couples who live together.

Long-distance LGBT relationships can struggle with a unique set of problems, specific to living in different countries (or different towns).

Maintaining a non-physical relationship over Skype can be difficult (but can be creative!).

LGBT couples in long-distance relationships need to learn how to communicate in different ways than from couples who are living together; Gay Couple Counselling can help with that.  When the relationship is struggling to stay together, consulting a qualified gay couple counsellor can be a great help to keeping the relationship going.

Conflicts in Long Distance Relationships.

How familiar do these problems seem to you … we tackle matters like this in a majority of cases:-

Begin Counselling for Long Distance LGBT Couples.

Dean Richardson MBACP(accred) – specialist in gay couple counselling

Dean Richardson specialises in therapy for gay couples in long-distance relationships. Dean’s intention is to make counselling for gay couples in different countries (or same country, different towns) easy to understand and easy to begin.

It’s important that you both can make an informed decision about counselling – Dean will help you both with that.

Not until you and your partner are sure that you want to try counselling will you begin with a one-off session.

Skype LGBT Couple Counselling.

Long-distance couple counselling is achieved through Skype video conferencing  … so you and your partner will need a Skype account, a device capable of running Skype software, and a place of privacy for 50 minutes a week.

Come and say Hello!

So, simply say “hello” and tell Dean what you and your partner are looking for.  Dean will email you with options to think about and we can discuss arrangements from there.

About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+

"Waiting for the Judges" © AllSpice1

Like all couples, gay couples can make each other’s lives miserable.

But could there be a purpose (perhaps an unconscious purpose) to this?

Let’s talk psychodynamic hypothesises for a moment:-

1. Boy meets Boy (or girl meets girl!).
     
2. At a conscious level, a conversation takes place: ‘what films do you like?’, ‘do I look good in this shirt?’ , ‘would you like to meet for dinner?’ and so on.
     
3. At an unconscious level, another conversation is taking place:

Boy 1: “I’ve had a troubling past involving my family’s disapproval of my sexuality”.
 
Boy 2: “My father showed me no care nor respect, and I left home at a young age”.

One purpose of this unconscious conversation might be to check out: “Are you someone who could help me repair the wounds that I carry?”.

Unconscious Dialogue.

What I’m talking about is where a couple, as an unconscious level, discover that they have a similar history, and invest hope – still unconsciously – that their relationship will help them both resolve their historical wounds.  If all goes well at an early stage, they enter into the beginnings of a significant long-term relationship.  

It’s a nice thought – it’s a thought that’s meant to heal past injuries.  

Unfortunately, the future holds relationship struggles – the couple argue and act out hurtful behaviour to one another. They end up fearing each other, becoming paranoid and, maybe, separate … or perhaps worse: they continue this behaviour for years of a miserable life.

And – for some people – this unforeseen relationship-misery happens time and time again.

So why does what seems to be a perfectly lovely unconscious discussion end up bringing so much trouble in gay relationships?

Read on for a psychodynamic/systemic revelation you may not have come across before…

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About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+

"5-4-3-2-1" © Steven DePolo

Working with gay & lesbian couples in my private practice, it’s been my privilege to learn from a set of people who are bringing their most treasured and fragile position to me for help: their relationship.

At the early stages of couple counselling, I usually only get to see the unhappy gay couple.  However, for most (though not all) couples, as the counselling sessions progress I see their relationship begin to change as both partners work on learning about how their relationship’s “system” is triggered into unhappiness, and then putting in wants, checks and measures to change their behaviour patterns.  The couple’s relationship transitions through stages where the couple can see something positive happening and the two become happier with their partnership.

This article therefore comes from many observations of couples who were working in counselling to rescue and transform their relationship.  No single couple is identified & the confidentiality of all couples I work with is maintained.

I present for your consideration:  Five Secrets of Happier Gay Couples…

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About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+

"Rainbow" © Bensa Kua

Does the sexuality of the counsellor make a difference to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered couples when they all work together in couple relationship therapy?

In this post I will discuss briefly my experiences working as a gay counsellor working with LGBT couple clients in my private therapy practice.

Sexuality Differences – alliance or disunion?

Although differences between the counsellor and the client do not have to come into play during therapy, many clients seek therapists (at least initially) with a view that the therapist has to have some form of understanding or experience of the client’s complaint.

A gay male or lesbian female couple may chose to find a gay male or lesbian female therapist – and although the similarities in the therapist’s & the couples’ sexualities should not matter… it does to the couple.

In other words, as a couple counsellor, I do not have to be female to empathise with a female couple and their situation.  Although I cannot know what it is like for them from a personal perspective, it is my my training that I can ask the most effective questions so that I can learn what it is like to be this couple in their situation.

Interestingly, a number of gay and lesbian couples who I have worked with have, in varying degrees, expressed dissatisfaction of their previous relationship therapists – citing that the couple should have found someone of the same sexuality instead.  

Whilst I’m less convinced that it was the actual sexuality of the therapist (as opposed to, say, the couple’s projection or their reaction to something they might have misunderstood about the therapist) – we must be mindful that the therapeutic alliance between client and counsellor is one of the most effective relationships in therapy.  It is within this therapeutic alliance that the therapy work is done and if there is little or no alliance then the couple must be expected to find someone else.

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About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+

"Who wants Mangoes?" © robstephaustralia

Through my private therapy practice for gay couples, it has been my experience to learn that a significant number of gay men confuse “relationship intimacy” as being the same as “sexual intercourse”.

These same gay men are surprised to learn that whilst there is an important overlap between intimacy and sex, the two concepts are distinct and have important differences.

A Gay Man’s History of Intimacy effects his behaviour in Couple Relationships.

When a gay couple working in couple counselling bring their sex lives into focus, a therapeutic air of curiosity and interest encourages the revelation of what each partner understands about intimacy, sex and love.  When we compare what both partners have learned of these concepts we can begin to see significantly root-sources of the problems the couple are bring into couple therapy.

Some gay men have never seen another two men (gay or otherwise) being intimate (i.e. affectionate) with each other. Some gay men have never seen their own parents show intimate affection towards each another. Such men entering an intimacy couple relationship with another gay man may face crises: how does his lack of understanding about intimacy translate into a live & loving gay couple relationship?

Some gay men negotiate their way from being oblivious about intimacy along with their life-partner. Some gay men don’t make the transition.

Couple relationships containing both kinds of men can be successful when the partners are compatible.  Conflicts arise when each partner exhibits contradictory intimacy-behaviour.

So … what is intimacy, really…

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About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+

Particular to gay male relationships (I’ve not heard a similar term: “Mum/daughter” in lesbian relationships) the “Dad/Son” or “Father/Son” relationship within some gay male relationships is more common than some folk imagine.

In LGBT culture, a “daddy” is a slang expression referring to someone who is an older man – but with particular accompanying reference to a younger gay male “son” (“boy” or “boi”); this is a sexualised intimate-relationship – specifically acting out emotional & non-sexually intimate aspects of father/son relationships but also often (but not always) including sex as part of the intimacy.

There is an important distinction about dad/son relationships – that the ”dad” and “son” are not actually related to each other (i.e. this is not incest) and it’s not necessary for the partners to be of a particularly defined age range other than there is either a distinct age difference (for example, the partners might be 20 & 45 in age, or 40 & 60 in age etc), or that the partners are able to fulfil a type-role (one partner is fatherly, the other is youthful).

Acting out Traditional Parental/Child Roles.

The gay male dad/son couple relationship act out a traditional parental relationship of father & son dynamics with the addition that this is a sexual relationship.  The dad/father provides more grounded emotional support than the son/boy has been used to, and the son/boy provides a more light, less serious joy of life than the dad/father has been used to.

This is a kind of symbiotic relationship – both gay males are getting something out of this relationship.

Other sexual stereotypes assumptions about these forms of relationships.  For example, the “dad” does not have to be the active or “top” partner during sex; the “son” does not have to be of a submissive personality to the dad.

Reparation/Replacement.

Dad/son relationships can be a healthy form of acting-out that which has been lost (or longed for) in other relationships.  The “dad” may have not had the opportunity to parent or mentor someone and finds pleasure in using his experience and learning to pass on helpful knowledge to the “son”.  The “son” may not have had very good parenting and lacks the safe containment that a parent should bring to a child, and so enjoys the safety and containment that can be found from the “dad”.

This can be a form of reparation (repairing past experiences with safer, more nurturing current ones) or replacement.

Different physical ages, similar “gay age”.

Because a majority of gay men come-outCome/Coming Out - a process whereby a homosexual person makes it known to others (whether a few, or generally publically) about his/her sexuality. The phrase comes from coming out of the closet (American based) in reference to being in the closet which is a phrase to mean that one has been hiding ones sexuality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out at some stage (i.e. come to terms with, and reveal more publicly their sexual orientation), this process is seen by some as a form of a personal new birth.  One’s “gay age” starts at zero on the anniversary of coming-outCome/Coming Out - a process whereby a homosexual person makes it known to others (whether a few, or generally publically) about his/her sexuality. The phrase comes from coming out of the closet (American based) in reference to being in the closet which is a phrase to mean that one has been hiding ones sexuality.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out .

Whilst dad/son partnerships may be different in physically age: ten, twenty, or more years older, it is interesting to compare their physical and gay ages – sometimes finding similarities as a source of the relationship “match”.

Relationship Conflicts.

Dad/Son relationships can struggle with intimacy-conflicts just like any other relationship.   The more successful dad/son gay couples continue to work well by either:-

GayCoupleCounselling.com welcome any form of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender relationship for counselling.  If you and your partner are finding your relationship’s conflicts are difficult to work through by yourselves, invite us to lend a hand.

About Dean Richardson (author)…

Dean Richardson – MBACP(accred), UKRCP Reg Ind Counsellor/Psychotherapist – has been practising as a counsellor since 1999. His private therapy practice in Hampshire, England, focuses upon providing effective therapies for gay couples, lesbian couples and couples of mixed-gender/sexual orientation.

Dean works regularly in therapy with couples both in Portsmouth (United Kingdom) and online using Skype video.

Other posts by Dean Richardson.

Dean Richardson on Google+